Searching for the Answers...

Yesterday I while sitting at my computer working I received an instant message...from J! I haven't talked to him in such a long time and don't even have him on my contact list anymore, so I felt shocked. The first thing he said was "hello beautiful". I told him he must have contacted the wrong person because we don't talk anymore. He wanted to know how I was doing and told me the new events that occurred in his life. He told me he was single again and I told him I was sorry to hear about his situation, but just wanted him to be happy. He mentioned he can't seem to find an equal again (alluding I was the only one). He of course asked how my marriage was going and I said fine, but mentioned it is awkward to talk to him because I am married now and not available. The conversation was quite brief and I felt nothing towards J during the conversation. I wanted to tell G, but decided not to since it would more than likely upset him. In hindsight I don't know wh...

Lately I have been feeling content with my life. I resolved the issue with my faith and see improvement in most areas of my life. In church a few weeks ago I realized my super responsible personality negatively impacted my marriage. With every aspect of my life I always felt compelled to have a plan B, C, and D, but realized the lack of commitment to my marriage didn't create the best foundation. My "alternate" plans in my marriage included J and divorce, which I pondered from the time I said "I do". I now know in order to have a completely fulfilling marriage I must throw away the keys to my alternate plans and focus on building a committed/dedicated life with G. Since this realization, my feelings towards G have been intensifying despite our busy schedules. J was my past and G is my future. I still feel compelled to look at J's webpage very frequently, but feel my thoughts of "what could have been?" slowly dissipating. In a way I pity J because h...

A few days ago I was reminded of how many times I "almost" secretly met with J with the intention of determining whether or not to end my marriage. The primary reason letting J go from my life was so difficult involved all the "ironic" events that brought us together and occurred while we were together. I believe divine intervention also occurred to keep us apart on several occasions when we planned to meet. I can remember at least 3 examples: 1. While in college he planned to drive through my town on his way home from school. We talked the night before and had everything planned, then the next day he didn't cal l. I didn't hear from him for over 1.5 months! I came to find out his orders were switched as he was leaving which placed him in a remote location for the 1.5 months, and he never did get to go home. 2. Again, on another trip home he planned to take a 4 hour detour to see me. The morning he left he instant messenged me stating he was leaving and want...