Searching for the Answers...

Craziest Year of My Life!!!!

2011-01-31T13:26:00.000-07:00

Well, February 2010-February 2011 marks the most eventful period of my entire life. We started w/ a possible ovarian cancer diagnosis, G loosing his job the same week, me undergoing major surgery in March-no cancer, but no help for my chronic pain, G finding a new job in April, giving up on infertility treatments in July, adopting our precious son at the end of July, finding out I was 5 weeks

Give Me A Sign...

2010-07-03T08:24:00.000-07:00

If anyone actually read my blog, I'm sorry I forgot to post the outcome of my last post. Two days after being told we were chosen to adopt a 4 month old baby girl, we were told the parent changed her mind. We felt ok, since it was a complex situation and I guess wasn't meant to be. I finally received clearance from another infertility specialist to see him w/o getting the MMR vaccine. I

Time.......................................So Slow!!!

2010-06-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we received some exciting and possibly devastating news. I hardly slept last night and can't seem to focus! Why does time have to pass so slowly when we want it to speed up, yet pass so quickly when we want it to slow? Yesterday I received a call stating that G and I needed to call before a certain time for an important conference call. It was the middle of my work day and I suspected

Two steps forward and one step back or One step forward and two steps back?

2010-04-16T16:14:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since my surgery, most of which I can't recall other than debilitating pain. This is the first week I've been of the dilaudid and percocet and think I am experiencing major withdrawals. I have head and body aches, extreme nausea, chills or hot flashes, feel emotional, and random pains. I don't think I've yet to experience a day of feeling better than 75%, but hope I feel better

Surgery

2010-04-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

I had my surgery on 3/9, but haven't been able to post until now. I've been experiencing some health issues that have been exacerbated during the last few months. After living with chronic pain for years, a large mass was found on my right ovary in December. They also found elevated cancer antigen levels, placing me at risk for cancer. Surgery was scheduled to test for cancer, remove endometrial

Uncertainty

2010-02-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

I am feeling much calmer than my last post. I decided to be an hour late picking G up from the airport. He was a little pissed. I don't think I've ever been so angry with him, but I think I got the message across. He didn't speak the entire 1.5 hour ride home, or for 3 days later. I think we may have worked out some issues. G has been doing all the house work lately and making meals. The house is

Points of Contention

2010-02-21T11:02:00.002-07:00

What happens when attempts are made to express your concerns about constantly being disrespected and you aren't even heard? How about realizing that you can't make someone change, yet aren't willing to live without the changes. At what point is enough, enough? I just don't think I can do it anymore... For some reason G thinks he is super special and superior to all. The laws and rules that would

Eliminate Unrealistic Expectations

2010-02-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling so angry towards G and I don't know if anything is salvageable at this point. I don't know how to get beyond these feelings of frustration and anger I have towards him. Part of me wonders if I am being unfair and unreasonable. If I am, I don't know how to not be in this situation? Since G lost his job I feel that he could be helping out a lot more than he is. He is leaving

Dead End or Deliverance?

2010-02-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

Well I have mixed news. First, we are first in line to get on the main list for our adoption, meaning we will soon be in the pool for birthmoms to choose from. After this great news, I felt like my luck was finally changing and I actually received positive news for once. Then, I get home and G is home super early. I ask why and he said he was laid off! I couldn't believe it. Now our income is

What are the Chances?

2010-01-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

Prior to my appointment today I was a wreck. However, now I dont' know what I am feeling? The results are in: elevated ca-125 (cancer antigens). The score was over 86 with <35 being normal. My doctor told me not to be alarmed because it can be elevated with ovarian cysts and endometriosis. However, in my search to understand what that score meant, I found this notation on medline: "In the patient

There Will Be a Day

2010-01-26T19:27:00.005-07:00

I believe we've all experienced a moment in life where the sum appears greater than the sum of the parts- unfathomable, and overwhelming. How could one possibly achieve this feat that seems impossible as a whole, yet I find myself wondering every minute of the day if I can make it one more step, one more appointment, one more day? Mornings are the worst, when I feel as if I were ran over by a

Point of no Return

2010-01-16T15:22:00.001-07:00

What happens during that period of time between uncertainty and certainty, ignorance and awareness, denial and reality? Once the knowledge is obtained it can change life forever; that point of no return. When the option to choose sides arises, where is it better to stand in the end when the outcome remains the same? I feel that I could be approaching that point where everything could change. It

No One Knows the Pain Left Behind...

2010-01-11T16:56:00.002-07:00

A single rose left to remember As a single tear falls from her eye Another cold day in December A year from the day she said goodbye Seems it's only been a moment Since the angels took him from her arms And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow But as they laid him in the ground Her heart would sing without a sound For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world

How Much Longer?

2009-12-19T17:56:00.001-07:00

Well it seems this week is ending the same way it began with pain. I've been in pain for at least 2 weeks straight now with no relief. I think so much pain can mentally break someone. I can't recall the last time I felt like this, but I believe it was in college. I have been crying almost all day, every day this week. I feel so hopeless and as if there is nothing left to look forward to, except

When is it not worth it anymore?

2009-12-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

After this last week of unbearable pain and a trip to the ER, I am seriously wondering what is there to live for anymore? Each day is such a struggle from the constant pain and knowing that I will probably have to live with it for the rest of my life. It seems the only thing I do live for is work. I've been working 12-14 hour days and G has been out of town for the last 3 weeks. I feel so alone.

Feeling Pissed!

2009-12-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

For some reason I feel so agitated right now, maybe it's PMS? This week has been so busy with 8 appointments today (1 in 15 minutes), so I may not get to complete my rant. I don't know why, but I have been feeling agitated every time J happens to post new pictures on his FB page. I don't even want to see them, then he messages me and asks if I happened to see his new pictures? Damn it, I don't

Interuptions from the Past

2009-11-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, J instant messaged me stating he was so glad I am happy, but he hates his life and his job (I think he just got his Facebook (FB) account back). I asked him what prompted his message and he said his job isn't what he expected (I think it isn't dangerous enough), and he isn't sure if he is going to stay with his girlfriend, whom he was supposedly going to propose to. He said she is

An Interesting Trend...

2009-11-06T16:56:00.000-07:00

It seems that I've been approached with this issue quite frequently over the last few months. Statistically, it doesn't make sense, but philosophically it may? It seems that I have a lot of single guy friends, many more than single female friends. I've read statistics that indicate that there are actually more women than men, thus men are in higher demand and should consist of a smaller portion

I Never Imagined

2009-11-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I called to talk to my brother. He and his wife just had a baby girl about a month ago, their 2nd child. During our conversation my sister came up and he told me he stopped my mom from saying some crazy things to my sister. I am still in disbelief and am realizing my mom is certainly not the person I idealized her to be. She planned to tell my 20 year old pregnant sister that she

A Decision....I Hope!

2009-10-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to say that I think we finally found an adoption agency to go with. We attended the orientation for Catholic Charities last night and both felt that "this is the place". I only had a few negatives: we will have to pay $1300 more because we already have a completed home study, and the average wait for a placement is 2 years. I do not like the numbers, but I feel that this agency

Maybe there is hope...

2009-10-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

I should say for my weight! I called on Tuesday to have a new order of Isocort shipped from only 40 miles away. It was supposed to be a rush order and I paid an extra $8 because I didn't have time to drive there. Well, I still haven't received it. G could have picked it up on Friday and at least had it to me on Sunday. I ran out of my Isocort on Friday and was told to not abruptly stop taking it

False Hopes...

2009-10-04T23:36:00.003-07:00

It doesn't seem that we will be moving forward with the little girl. I guess we have to be licensed foster parents in our state and need a new home study for our state, even though we don't need either to adopt from any other state in the US. It seems so backwards...the home study in our state won't be accepted in our state? To adopt a child that is legally free to be adopted, we have to be

2009-09-28T16:42:00.004-07:00

I have not heard back from the case worker yet, but expect to hear tomorrow. I anticipate that she may tell us we need to complete the PS-MAPP training classes before we can move ahead and make what they would deem, an informed decision. I am already familiar w/ the information in the classes, but G is not. Since the classes are 12 weeks long for 3 hours a week, G said he may not make all the

"Take a Chance on Me..."

2009-09-27T12:11:00.005-07:00

After a lot of prayer, thought, and conviction, G and I both came to the same conclusion regarding the possible adoption of the 8 year old girl. We have decided to move forward. I realize we may not even be chosen or go all the way, but we can't remain stagnant any longer. In this situation I had to ask myself, despite all I've been told, "what would Jesus do?" Unequivocally, he would give this

Disappointment and Dilemma

2009-09-19T20:15:00.004-07:00

I've been thinking about this post for the last 5 days and haven't been able to steal away to write. On Tuesday, we were contacted by an agency that said they read our home study and have a child they feel we would be great candidates to adopt. I felt my heart flutter with excitement as I dreamed of the possibilities, as this was the exact scenario I had dreamed of and prayed for...so I thought.

2009-09-11T14:00:00.004-07:00

I may finally have a break from my hectic schedule at work. I didn't get assigned any evaluations this week, although my schedule is still full for next week. I've been working so much I don't have time to make it to the gym. I really need to get there, as I've gained 4lbs in the last 10 days. I am freaking out about this, as I will be on my way to 200lbs if this keeps up. I know the main reason

Sweet Dreams

2009-09-01T09:06:00.004-07:00

I must start off by saying that I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. The muscle weakness has mainly subsided, I don't wake up extremely sore anymore, and I seem to have gained some energy. The Dr. put me on 5 different supplements, one being phosphatidyl serine. I must say that this is truly an amazing drug and works better than anything I've ever tried in my life! It supposedly

Going Through the Motions

2009-08-17T13:30:00.003-07:00

This weekend I went to an awesome women's retreat. It was something I really needed for my sanity, however, now I'm left wondering... where do I go from here? The theme was, "Stop Going Through the Motions". I realized I am just going through the motions in all areas of my life and not really living life to its fullest potential. I give the least I need to get by and wonder why I feel so

Illusions

2009-07-27T17:20:00.003-07:00

For some reason I have been feeling very emotionally unstable the last week. If asked 18 months ago, the feeling would be considered normal, but why now? On Saturday I felt so unsettled and anxious, my body was trembling. I didn't take new medication or change anything other than taking some new herbs. When I feel like this, it usually means trouble, because I think too much and often end up

2009-07-23T12:38:00.004-07:00

I sit here in extreme pain wondering if this is it? Is this how I have to spend the rest of my life? I felt so hopeful after being diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and getting treatment, however three months later I find myself in the same place with no progress. Here is a pathetic list of symptoms related to Hashimoto's that have gotten worse or not resolved:Less stamina than others Less

Push Over

2009-07-16T17:02:00.002-07:00

Call me naive, ignorant, or in denial, but I decided to drop the issue with G viewing my blog and lying about it. He still insists that he never viewed it. Deep inside I know he did, but it makes life so much easier to overlook his indiscretion. I was reminded of my disposition after watching "He's Just Not that in to You" recently, when the wife decided to work on her marriage after finding out

Ultimate Betrayal

2009-05-19T10:19:00.002-07:00

I am still reeling from the events over the last weekend. I can't believe how naive I have been. My entire marriage has been a lie...I should say the last 9 years of my life have been built on lies! From my conversations with G he completely slipped on Sunday and gave me the 100% confirmation I needed to know that he HAS been reading my blog for the last 4 years. His so called dreams were a sham

Sorry

2009-05-18T14:11:00.004-07:00

Well, It seems my blog is causing too many issues. Thus, unfortunately I will be deleting it or making it viewable via invitation only (I haven't decided what I am going to do yet). If you happen to be a loyal reader and have a blog, send me a link to your blog and your email address to ramjh@hotmail.com. If I can't verify who you are, then I will not add you. This will only be open for a limited

Clear as Mud?

2009-05-15T14:17:00.004-07:00

I went to the naturopath on Friday and finally felt like I received some answers! She put me on armour thyroid to increase thyroid hormones. I thought I was supposed to loose weight, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I get my levels retested in 3 months to determine if it is working. I am still supposed to take Lugol's iodine, vitex, and high EPA fish oil. She said I am already doing everything

To go or not to GO?

2009-05-15T13:49:00.003-07:00

I had really been struggling with the fact that J wanted to see me. I wasn't sure what to do, but am so glad Gramae (hope you don't mind the repost) said this in regard to the situation:"You seem very objective about the situation with J and G. What's more important to you- J's need to move on, or G's need to feel secure? You don't know J will move on and find himself a long term relationship

Angel Food

2009-04-29T18:20:00.005-07:00

I feel I am often too harsh on myself because I have unrealistic expectations about who I want to be versus the person I am. I envision myself as this light, fluffy angel food cake that is sweet and looks appetizing, however, I know I come across as something much different. (lol). In an attempt to think of the correct simile I think I'm more like a Big Mac with lots of layers, not sure what is

This sounds about right...

2009-04-29T18:07:00.005-07:00

I found this great website that actually lists some accurate information about temperaments and personalities. It seems over the course of my blog, I have struggled in my relationship with G, due to thoughts about J. This section seems to explain my struggle so well, even though I haven't had an affair or nor am I planning one (I am in the "idealist" category): "Most Idealists have a difficult

Grief & Frustration

2009-04-16T21:03:00.003-07:00

A few weeks ago I learned one of my best friends was in the hospital. I was just planning to see her the day before to give her a reference form for our adoption. She had lupus and struggled with bronchitis all the time. During a breathing treatment she coded and her kidneys also stopped working. When I went to see her the next day she was in a coma. The Dr. gave us her EEG results, revealing no

A Possible Explaination?

2009-04-09T17:32:00.004-07:00

Humanmetrics Personality ProfileYour Type is INFJ Introverted 89%Intuitive 38%Feeling 38%Judging 78%This may explain why some readers are so frustrated with me and my complex, emotional thinking. However, it is me...the rare personality.Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal

An Answer...

2009-04-02T17:19:00.003-07:00

Today my heart sank as I listened to a message from the Dr. They wanted me to call to get my lab results. I have anxiously awaited all week for this call, but why was I so nervous and trembling as I hit redial? As the words came out I felt shock, yet relief. Relief because maybe I finally had somewhat of an explanation as to what has been ailing me. I now have to see an endocrinologist for

That which has elusively evaded me...

2009-03-30T12:59:00.003-07:00

Time to myself has elusively evaded me over the past 2.5 months, but now I find myself reveling in an unexpected amount, all to myself. I completed my student teaching last week and immediately felt a rush of exhaustion. It was as if I could finally let down my guard, and allow myself to feel the strain of the past 2.5 months on my body and mind. This week I am only working on 3 days, which I

"Facing the Giants"

2009-03-12T18:36:00.005-07:00

I've found a bit of a 2nd wind this week since it is spring break. I haven't had school for 4 days now, and can't believe how much stress it adds to my life. I admit, 80+ hours per week is about killing me. I've been sick since 1/31/09, so it will be 6 weeks tomorrow. The last few days I've been feeling better, but I still have a major sinus and ear infection. At least I don't have a 103 degree

Month of Big Decisions

2009-02-06T17:50:00.002-07:00

I just noticed going over my blog that in January I've made some big decisions...to start school, so start the adoption process, etc.

Crazy...Busy...

2009-02-06T17:00:00.004-07:00

I just wanted to say my mom will be 50 this week! I can't believe she will be that old, but still looks so young. Hats off to her for being so active and cancer free for 20 years!Well, I have 5 of 9 weeks left of my student teaching. I am putting in about 70 hours per week right now with my job, and student teaching. The work load will only increase as I near the end of the 9th week. I am looking

Calm Before the Storm

2009-01-07T16:35:00.005-07:00

Starting next week I will be beginning my student teaching. I will be completing the 9 week full time program. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, other than stressed! I will be trying to maintain a minimum of 10 clients per week, plus the student teaching, which will put me at about 70+hrs per week of work until March 24th. I will start loosing vacation at work if I don't use it asap, so plan

Coincidence?

2008-12-12T14:30:00.004-07:00

This is too weird!It was Sunday 12/7 and I was thinking that I haven't heard from J in a long time. After checking my blog on 12/8 I realized it was about 1.5 years (I think?). I was wondering how he was doing, but didn't want to ask.So today out of the blue I needed to check my junk email account to find a confirmation email. I haven't checked this account for over 2 months, because it is very

How did I know?

2008-12-09T19:10:00.003-07:00

I was right! My meeting today went terribly. First, they spent 20 minutes telling us how great we are and that we are the top performing agency in the state. Then, proceeded to tell us they weren't cutting our salaries or benefits, but....we have to work 600 more hours per year to maintain the same salary and benefits. Now that is what I call a crock of shit! In essence, If I continue to keep the

2008-12-08T22:25:00.005-07:00

Today I read over my first two months of blogging and continually feel amazed by the craziness of my life. I could seriously write a novel or make a mini-series that would seem like fiction. I felt much better today than yesterday. I guess I just needed to sleep on a few things and pray I don't have any dreams about J. G really is a good guy. He used to be a monster, but he has changed for the

Go Away!

2008-12-07T15:22:00.004-07:00

G and I returned from an almost 2 week vacation to the Caribbean, which was amazing. We spent some much needed time together without any distractions. I went snorkeling on the reef every day. The white sand and picturesque turquoise waters made all my cares just melt away. I also got a tan. My neighbor was so impressed he told me about 5 x's last night that he couldn't believe I got a tan and

Life goes on...

2008-11-07T20:10:00.003-07:00

Today marks the end to a very long and drawn out week. Tomorrow I take the equivalent of the state board exam for my degree. I can't wait to get it over with. Then on to getting ready for my family to arrive and preparing for vacation. G and I haven't talked much, since he has been too busy with work (not getting home until after 8:30 pm most nights). It seems the same ending to all of our

Your mistakes do not define you now...They tell you who you're not

2008-10-29T18:41:00.005-07:00

Listening to music often helps me process emotions I can't seem to find the words to express. I think this song has a great message I need to listen to and try to implement. It seems like something a good and honest friend would tell me right now."It's The Only One You've Got"How do you know where you're goingWhen you don't know where you've beenYou hide the shame that you're not showingAnd you

Let Me Be ME!

2008-10-29T18:03:00.003-07:00

I'm trying to accomplish too many things at once!!!! Maybe I'm trying to over work myself to block out life...I honestly don't know, but I am too busy. I told G I thought he should move out and he became quite upset/mad. He said if one of us moves out then it is over and a divorce is imminent. I told him I would not tolerate being lied to and would separate if necessary. I don't know if he got

"The pursuit of happiness leads to all unhappiness"

2008-10-09T11:30:00.006-07:00

I think the human species has an inborn desire to be heard and understood, or at least acknowledged. I don't know that I am? I'm confused...I don't know what to do or how to react. Doing nothing almost seems easier than thinking about all the possibilities and alternatives. I heard a quote the other day that struck me: "The pursuit of happiness leads to all unhappiness". When we have expectations

Processing...

2008-09-28T14:55:00.006-07:00

I need to be studying, but need to process through a few things on my mind first. It seems that all my emotions have been coming to the surface lately and I need to work through them, even though I don't want to. First, I am wondering what my family's problem is? It seems they have been avoiding/ignoring me ever since our vacation in July. It was our attempt at visiting family while actually

Help...I Need Opinions!

2008-09-27T11:01:00.005-07:00

I was just thinking to myself during the last few weeks that it had been a while since I was extremely angry with G. In keeping with tradition with the last 3 years, I couldn't let September pass without doing so. I am so utterly pissed that I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. Yesterday at about 4 pm I called him at work to ask where the key was for the back gate (since he has to lock it

This is How it Works...

2008-09-26T17:25:00.004-07:00

Today I went to Walgreen's and bought a bunch of stuff I plan to give to charity, since I don't use products with chemicals.I purchased $54.76 worth of stuff (air fresheners, lotion, body wash, toothpaste, antacids, etc.)- $5 coupon for spending $20 (available on Walgreen's website)- $21.11 in manufactures couponsTotal: $28.65 w/ taxI used my Walgreen's gift card from last month with $23.94, so

What Has the World Come To?

2008-09-24T11:19:00.006-07:00

With all the chaos and destruction of the American economy I have to sit back and think: "What did you expect?" This is what consumerism and capitalism is all about...caniving as much as possible to gain a hefty profit, and never facing consequences for poor financial management practices. In addition, the government is now suggesting a 700 billion dollar bailout of some of the wealthiest

Looking back to the past

2008-09-23T12:56:00.005-07:00

I love looking back at my past blogs to see what I was doing/thinking/going through at the time. One year ago in September:I took my first yoga class...I now go twice per week and love the relaxing feeling. It is actually one of the few forms of exercise I can do without hindering my fertility. I apologized to my friend for being a bad friend.I started going to acupuncture.I went on a 3 week

Can You Handle the Truth?

2008-09-19T18:27:00.007-07:00

This has been an extremely stressful week for my job. I typically bill about 20-22 hours per week, but this week I billed over 36, meaning I worked about 50! I feel it isn't fair someone in my same position has only billed 20 hours for the entire month, yet I have billed over 70 and she is paid more than me! It isn't fair and I keep getting kids added to my case load. We are having a meeting next

I do, but I don't?

2008-09-11T11:02:00.003-07:00

I must first start off with "I think my pain medication makes me bipolar". I try to take the less potent meds, but they cause severe migraines. So, I take my stronger ones that make me feel like I am high, so I can work. I can't stop moving and doing 20 things per minute. I am going, going, gone... However, I also feel moody and irritable. My senses are highened and I get easily overstimulated,

Jumping out of my skin!!!

2008-09-11T07:31:00.006-07:00

I just woke up from a dream about J. I feel frantic, lost, and so confused. I could swear the dream was real and the feelings seem even more real. I don't know how I can begin to forgive myself for not giving J another chance. I pray he can forgive himself too for pushing me away to begin with. It feels like I made the wrong decision being w/ G and that G is only with me because he knows J loves

The Meaningless Passing of Time

2008-09-02T18:01:00.003-07:00

I don't understand why everyone around me assumes I have a perfect life? Many people in the past month have mentioned that they look up to me and think I am a very strong person. I am humbled by them, but feel so weak and like such a mess. At any second I could just burst into tears although I may be smiling 2 seconds before. I think I use other people in my life as an excuse not to feel my

Daily Torment

2008-07-30T11:44:00.004-07:00

I feel so confused right now. I've been seeing an acupuncturist since October. She is a personal friend and in school for acupuncture. I feel that she has done a great job thus far. However, she will no longer be able to offer me treatment. I was excited because I found an acupuncturist on the list of providers covered by my insurance. She specializes in fertility issues. I gave her my insurance

Family...can't live with them, can't live without them

2008-07-30T11:34:00.003-07:00

Our trip was eventful to say the least. We had a great time and thought everything was fine. However, I guess it wasn't after having my family blow up after returning. We thought we understood in advance that my parents would drop us off at G's boss' home, which was on the "planned route" of our trip. However, the plan suddenly changed and there was no plan, when my parents decided to be

Ill Conceived

2008-06-23T14:32:00.004-07:00

On Saturday I will be going on vacation for 12 days. We are flying North to meet my parents for a 9 day road trip. We will then go back to our home town for a few days. We planned the trip almost 4 months ago. However, it now seems to be the worst possible timing. My back has been killing me lately. The pain has been getting worse for two years now. Before, if I worked all day outside I wouldn't

Moving Forward

2008-06-13T11:36:00.006-07:00

Maybe someone could tell me why my blog keeps changing my text to Hindi? I have to type in the "edit HTML" window or the text turns to Hindi. English isn't an option on the pull down bar, only other aramaic languages.A few months ago I linked a previous blog to my current blog। When I first started the other blog I sent links to some people I knew। Thus, if they remember the link 2 years later

Closer

2008-06-10T11:30:00.002-07:00

I should be working or completing papers for school, however I'm stalling. I just read Gramae's blog, which I haven't visited for a long time. He reminded me that even though we are over someone, we may still think of them in retrospect to make decisions and adjustments to the future; which brings me to thoughts of J. He deleted his myspace account, so I have no way of knowing anything that is

I Almost Forgot...

2008-06-09T13:38:00.004-07:00

I almost forgot how good it felt to vent via my blog. Life has been so crazy and busy I just can't find the time. I feel like I've made some progress towards my goals. However, I still have constant battles from within. My health has been the number one factor and battle. I continue to go to acupuncture on a bi-weekly basis and drink 2 cups of awful herbal concoctions per day. Why????????????????

3 year anniversary!

2008-02-29T20:50:00.002-07:00

In retrospect, I can't believe I've come so far in 3 years of blogging. Happy blog birthday to me!

Bumps Along the Way

2008-02-20T11:19:00.004-07:00

I just have to get this off my chest (time for blog therapy)!I'm so frustrated with G. Within the last week I celebrated my birthday. I've been trying so hard to avoid sugar & dairy, and eat a healthy diet. I was literally so sick the last week and a half I couldn't eat much. Sugar only makes me feel worse, although I love to eat it (thus this is a daily battle for me). Well after argument (see

Happy New Year...It is so far

2008-01-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

I just returned "home" last week from vacation. For the first time ever, my old home didn't feel like home anymore. I really just wanted to come back to what I now consider my newly adopted home. It was nice to see family, but I was quickly reminded of the pettiness and drama when someone started a rumor that I was pregnant and not telling my parents or siblings (yeah!). My grandpa had a stroke

Forgiveness

2007-12-09T19:34:00.001-07:00

I realized after reading over my blog that I didn't write about the most amazing, yet challenging aspect of my life. About one month ago G went to a men's breakfast at church where the topic of "fathers and daughters" was discussed. He mentioned some of the information while we were on our way to acupuncture. I absolutely lost it and broke down in tears. I realized I still harbored negative

Contemplations

2007-12-09T19:12:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. It seems my views have changed substantially since I first entered into the "institution" of marriage; from walking down the isle thinking of divorce, to not being able to image the aftermath. Several close friends are going through divorce right now and I can't see anything good about it. I won't deny that G does drive me insane quite frequently,

Hard, Cold, Calculating...

2007-11-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

I guess that's me! G and I attended a marriage conference that introduced us to the concept of "The Flag Page" (flagpage.com). The flag page helps you determine what motivates and drives you in life. It helps us determine why we make certain decisions and choices in our lives. We both took ours and I am Perfect Peace. I scored the following 149-perfect, 138- peace, 78-control, and 23-fun. The

The Root

2007-10-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to address this issue for several months. My mom mentioned a few months ago that our decisions in life stem from value judgements. Value judgements result as one experiences life, then makes a decision about how life will be lead according to the positive or negative experience. Value judgements mold the essence of our being and provide a small window into our soul. For example,

Hope

2007-10-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

What a difference a week can make!On Monday I started drinking 3 cups of a specialized Chinese herbal formula. I noticed an immediate difference. For the first time in three months I had energy and didn't crash in the afternoon. The same effects have continued thought the week and I'm even experiencing fewer hot flashes. The only problem is that the formula makes me gag, but it is a small price

Prescription: Take 1 Day at a Time

2007-10-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

The last week has been a blur, complicated by incessant migraines and fatigue. I feel as if I'm literally loosing my mind. I can't remember the events of one day from the next. In the last 1.5 months I've made two mistakes paying my bills, resulting in extra charges and likely decreases in my credit score. I swear I completed the bill payments correctly, yet have nothing to prove otherwise. I've

Turning Back Time

2007-09-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

After 8 years I finally apologized to my friend for being a terrible friend. I had a disturbing dream about her a few weeks ago, which highlighted how I really perceived her. In high school she became pregnant and told me she wanted to have an abortion. She could not legally have an abortion without her parent's consent, yet she found a doctor to perform the procedure. I begged her to not go

Taking Control

2007-09-26T17:44:00.001-07:00

Although I've been extremely busy the past week, efforts to hopefully improve my health seemed to fall into place. I learned that one of my clients is studying Chinese medicine and acupuncture. She made me an appointment for Saturday for a consultation and acupuncture session. I'm excited, yet a little hesitant since I prefer to avoid needles. She said acupuncture has been proven to increase

Away, but not Gone...

2007-09-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

First, sorry I haven't written in over a month, if I even have any readers left. I have been wanting to write for some time, but I just don't have the time. I went to my home town for a great 3 week visit! Unfortunately, I came home to the same craziness I wanted to leave behind. I read my last blog earlier today and it made me cry; I wasn't prepared to feel the emotions of everything I am

Rollercoasters Make Me Sick!

2007-08-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

The last three weeks have been full of ups and downs. I was an emotional wreck the first week after my surgery. In week two I moved into what I thought was "acceptance", but more along the lines of denial. In week three I moved to post-denial, which is where I write from today. The more I research my "condition", the more hopeless I feel. The more I read about the injection I received to help my

They say, "pain makes us stronger".

2007-07-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I underwent surgery on Thursday. The doctor let me go home, but I was in unbearable pain and passed out 3 times- every time I tried to get up. G called the on-call nurse and she told him to bring me into the doctor. I went to the doctor's office on Friday morning and he reviewed the results with us, then sent me to the ER. They did CT scans and an EKG to rule out blood clots

The Bearable, Unbearable...

2007-07-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

Only a few more days until my big surgery. I'm not able to think about it due the the immeasurable pain I've been in the last few days. I can't take ANY medication before my surgery and just started my period yesterday. In over a decade I have never made it through my period without heavy medications and now I have nothing! Even with my regular medications, the pain is unbearable. It seems that

201st Post!

2007-07-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

I just realized my last post was #200! I've written quite a bit in a little over two years and have grown so much. I can't believe how much I've moved forward to a happier place. Blogging has definitely played a huge role in my development.I have a lot of news since my last post.We returned from our mini vacation on Saturday. We had so much fun! Sadly, my sister left this morning, but I will be

Blessings Flow

2007-06-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, G left for Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for "work". I was quite upset, because as of Tuesday he still hadn't emailed me his itinerary. He made a huge deal about having to go to work before he left because he "forgot" every day for the last week to email it to me. I was feeling a bit paranoid about ulterior motives because it seemed like he was trying to hide something, but I feel fine now. I

The peace that transcends all understanding...

2007-06-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was little and went through the stages of changing "what I wanted to be when I grew up", only one aspect of my dreams remained constant...I wanted to be a parent. After several years of living in fear and denial, I've finally decided to accept that I may not have children. My fear has prevented me from scheduling a surgery I should have undergone probably a decade ago. As a result I

Sleepless Unknown

2007-06-14T02:52:00.000-07:00

I've been incredibly busy lately with school and work. I rarely have a moment to myself. I've been trying to schedule my next surgery for 2 months now. I keep playing phone tag with the doctor's office. I haven't had time to call in the last week, but hopefully will on Friday. I haven't been sleeping well at all and feel so wired. I have to spend all day tomorrow in the classroom and need to get

Hindsight

2007-05-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

As our trip to CA draws closer each day, I can't help but wonder why things can't be different between G, J, and I? In a sense, I wish J and I never had a serious relationship, but were just serious friends. I hate that we will be so close to him, yet can't even say "hi". I'm sure he knows the best beaches, could show us around, and would even let us meet his dolphins. Unfortunately, I had to

Budding Love

2007-05-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Last night was yet another sleepless night. I stayed up watching the season finale of the Bachelor. I thought about why I like the show so much, and realized I get a chance to glimpse the perfectness and invigoration of new love.New Love is like a budding rose with sweet dew droplets, gently illuminated by the rays of the rising sun.New love is the first footprints on a pristine beach washed

Break Me Down..

2007-05-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

a long day aloneemptiness is so realnever having peace of mindrunning from what i can't singand there is nowhere left to hideturn and face these empty liesall alone, heart unturnedtrying to findbreak me downreplace this fear insidetake this nothingness from mei want to fighti want to shinei want to risebreak me downi try to find myselfi find the stranger trapped insideand i'll take one more step

We may not have chose this life, but can try to make the best of it.

2007-05-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't posted for over a month! I guess that describes my life during the past month...insane. I was on the verge of a nervous break down a few weeks ago because I had too much to do and no time to do it. Thankfully, I managed to get an A in all my classes this semester and I now have 10 credits towards my Master's and 11 towards my teaching cert. I decided to only take two

The Up Side of Illness

2007-04-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

Nonetheless, I have been sick with a cold and sinus infection since Saturday. Because I recently had sinus surgery it is that much more painful. I was finally able to sleep for a few hours last night, but think I may be getting bronchitis since my inhaler hasn't been working for the last two days (just one full breath would be nice). I've been to the doctor at least 10 times this year... already!

Time for?

2007-03-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been super busy! My agenda for today: complete two assignments for school, hem my dress, give 2 dogs a bath, get the oil changed, go to the post office, clean the house, tan, volunteer for 2 hours at church, host small group tonight, make some phone calls for work and bake something for small group (wow, it is a little more overwhelming when written down!) No wonder my neighbors joke

Surgery

2007-03-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had surgery on my maxillary and ethnoid sinuses, and the inside of my nose because I have sinus disease. I wasn't upset or anxious until G said he was leaving to get something to eat right when I was taken back to be prepared for surgery. I couldn't believe he could be so inconsiderate since he was supposed to be there to support me and couldn't even wait until I was in surgery (one

The Big Day!

2007-03-15T10:16:00.000-07:00

So, I'm having surgery in just a few hours . I thought I would be nervous and flustered, but I'm not at all despite the risks involved. After my last surgery I woke up in the middle of the procedure and afterwards the doctors couldn't get me to wake up from the anesthesia. After several hours I was finally in a semi-conscious state, but couldn't walk for 4 days! My only concern is the long

Birthday Wishes...

2007-03-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

I forgot to write about a nice thing G did for me. A few weeks ago the threw me a surprise birthday party for my birthday and invited all of my friends. When I was gone he decorated the house and managed to put an entire dinner together. He bought me a cake, flowers, and made an awesome fondue dinner. Several people stayed and we sat in the spa, which was nice and relaxing. He is "supposed" to

Somethings Gotta Give Little Miss Sunshine!

2007-03-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

The last week has been terrible! I felt so overwhelmed and came to the point of saying "somethings gotta give". Thus, I am temporarily discontinuing youth group on Tuesday evenings. After driving to the testing facility 4 times I was finally able to take one of my midterm exams! The exam consisted of 10 multiple choice and 6 essays. When I pressed "enter" for my multiple choice section I couldn't

Me- When I'm Happy...

2007-03-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

Today I'm so frustrated! For the 3rd time I went to take one of my midterms and the facility was closed! I need to take the exam so I can stop studying and focus on a different course. I just can't believe it could happen 3 days in a row!I have to pick up G from the airport in about an hour. He called and told me the company offered him about 20% lower than the lowest amount he would possibly

Wake UP Call.

2007-03-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

A few days ago my old modeling agency called me out of the blue. Since we moved and I started working full time, I stopped caring about doing any type of acting/modeling. They asked me to do a catalog shoot next week and asked if I looked the same as my 2 year old pictures from my portfolio? I of course said YES! I'm not sure if they will call me back because I can only work 2 of the 3 days. I

Crashing Down

2007-02-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been so stressed! Every time I have a day set aside to work on my school work something happens so I don't end up getting anything done. I was supposed to mail a package last Friday, and didn't get around to it. I asked G to mail it all this week and he blew it off. I couldn't since I had to attend state mandated trainings earlier this week and didn't get home until after 5 pm. So